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ExistenceI guess, I exist
the faint me
didn't enter all exits.
A bit less
my life's a mist
no need to flee
PanicThis might sound weird,
But does anyone else have that one song that comes on
And your entire body just
Like, it's a perfectly good song,
No frighting lyrics or anything
But still the very intro causes your stomach to tense
At first unable to identify the source of the problem
Then as you hear the drops of piano
That lay as calmly as dew on a spider web
And you realize it's happening again
Memories come back to haunt you
A flash back brought on by a simple series of sounds
Memories you don't want to relive flow through your mind like a river
Tearing your fingers off of the cliff of sanity you've been gripping on to for so long
Ripping you away into the unknowable and unforgivable darkness
You curl up
Knowing that whatever is happening isn't real
It isn't real
It isn't real
but it feels so real
Slowly you come back to yourself
Gathering up the broken pieces and fashioning them together with crazy glue
Stitching the fabric b
the design in the starsyou decided a long
time ago, a long time
before it affected your
sight to remember me -
before it throbbed
inside you when someone
uttered my three-syllable
name; oh Tangerine -
that only will you
fight when I widened
the perimeters of
your sore-sighted faults.
you didn't know yet, no-
you were only
suckling at the idea of
changing the world and
looking down at my crawling endeavors
to walk before my
patellas were ready.
I heard them scream
when I was seven, the skin
above them reddened with
the purple of a betrayed
sweet lover, does the color wheel
work backwards where I'm from? I was already
so cold, spinning like
the rebellion of an odd
tiny magnet in a terrorist
field. my darling,
do the Sufis miss my
sleepless, praying nights to you?
tell my stories still, even
after you disappeared? my love,
do they still wait
for death to follow me?
you were always gold; summer
skeletons lay still and dusted
in my closet for you. I did not
leave you in my being
a bubble of silence
no words, no
loud enough to erase
while I step on my own reflection
in the cold concrete.
a shadow of quiet
no flames, no
deep enough to hide
while I rest near the roots
of a dead willow tree.
diagnosed by the doctor who smelt of beer and stale sweat.
when you told your friends they shrugged and said
"everyone has it,"
and so when they spent the night and you lay awake
you assumed that their silent sleeping was simply caused by them being in a different house.
your sheets are stained with the nightmares you couldn't wake up from
after you took the pills the doctor gave you to sleep.
when you woke up in the morning and the thought of school sent you into panic attacks.
you are a better ghost than you are a human being,
noticed when you began tearing at the skin around your nails
and obsessively organising your books on the desk.
she says she thinks it is just your mind letting society in,
but i cannot breathe in shopping centres,
and i spend concerts planning escape routes in case someone were to have a gun.
rediagnosed by teachers as lazy,
and by lovers as too tired.
an umbrella term you are learning means wanting to step in front o
WallsIt started with me running
My feet hitting the ground with purpose in every step
My toes touching grass and my legs never tiring
I was moving
I was a child with no sense of direction but no cares to give about where I was going
I just wanted to go somewhere, and I wanted to tell people about what I was seeing
I was seeing sky, and friends, and school, and books
Life, and love, and laughter
I always dreamed big and never accepted any less than the best
But then dreams shifted into expectations
Next came standing
My feet were planted in place like the flowers I used to pluck the petals from
Counting off loves-me-not’s for every person I knew until the flowers became convincing
Loves-me-not, loves-me-not, loves-me-not
Until the petals piled up into a wall, my first
Loves-me-not, loves-me-not, loves-me-not
And I could no longer see the sun rise
Next came kneeling
Down on my knees, spitting out prayers from my lips and letting confessions drip from my eyes
Wishing that my love-me-not&
Self-CondemnTake breaths to set the baggage down,
The silence is a welcome sound,
You cannot hold their fears and frowns
And let them all be free.
No one can win if you are bound
Within their problems - spinning 'round,
Each situation just compounds
And makes you want to flee.
Perhaps it's best to empathise,
Send them love and realise
That they must open their own eyes
If they wish to live.
For taking on their pain and ties
Shall bring about your swift demise
And you're the only one who dies
With nothing left to give.
Do not gather - you must cease!
To cause yourself acute disease,
Just because you gave release,
From all that bothered them.
There's only one you need appease,
So grant yourself a new life's lease,
And find some comfort; moment's peace,
No longer self-condemn.
The Breaking Strainsinking into the inky abyss of subconscious,
a deep gravity of uncertainty amidst the obvious,
a shallow pit filled with the waters of regret,
mistakes and promises to block out the sun overhead,
a deep shadow of agony to fill the bottomless void,
punctuated by the shrill cacophony of a beating heart,
gasping for air as the whispers fill your lungs,
and rip forth from them the breath of a new day,
struggling in discontent between screams and panicked breaths,
a mocking joke of life to pull oneself from drowning
Lost in the ColdI fell in love one summer night.
The moon was shining
The stars were bright.
My mind was eager
His touch was soft.
Gone was meager
He said he loved me.
I said yes.
We strolled 'till morning
On a lovers quest.
Fully trusted I with him.
Soft eyes, sweet tongue, heaven sent.
I thought I found him,
My true love.
But alas, my affection was not enough.
I lost my love
One winter day.
Three false words
And one mistake.
Built For ItI'm wary of heights
and cheap rides
and the way pretty people talk
I've seen things lifted
and exalted and excited
and I've seen things fall
I was someone else's
and I was going away
and even though I was
up every night with you
I wasn't supposed to fall
I was yours
and I thought we were happy
but her name was whispers
and though they were in your ear
you weren't supposed to fall
We were each other's
and it had been years
and finally I was safe,
we weren't supposed to fall
So keep your heights
and dirty thrills
and pretty faces that will never love me,
I don't want to fall
but I'm made for it.
Keep in Touch!
Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More